STEVE HOLDING HIS NEW BORN BABY FOR THE FIRST TIME AND CRYING. Steve as a stay-at-home dad, Steve sending 24 pictures per day of his baby on the avengers groupchat, and when he tones it down a bit bc he knows that's kinda obnoxious Tony is like WHATS THE BABY DOING and Natasha is like WHERE ARE MY PICTURES and sam is like HAVE YOU LOST YOUR BABY ALREADY
Peggy’s back at work in like five days. When she comes home from her first day back, she tells Steve that they’d cocked it up so badly while she was gone that SHIELD is now a defunct organization and they’re going to have to start all over.
So while she’s working on that, he takes care of their new baby girl, Gloria. The first few days, he has a terrible time; he cries every time she cries, stands at her crib and watches her sleep for hours at a time, wrangles with his first diaper because he’s afraid if he pulls too hard he’ll hurt her.
She’s so tiny he can hold her in one hand. Most of her body fits on his palm, her head supported by his fingers. It’s kind of hilarious and really, really adorable, so he pulls out his cell phone and snaps several pictures. Reveling in technology, he sends it to everyone, except Peggy, because she’s busy and he can show her later.
After that it becomes a thing; nearly every hour he finds some new pose to send out, or accidentally snaps a shot of Gloria giving the camera the finger, or every time she opens her eyes and he gets to see that beautiful dark brown, just like her mother’s.
In a week, he’s sent almost four hundred pictures, and accrued several hundred more that he hasn’t sent out. JARVIS informs him that his phone won’t be able to store many more. And he realizes that his friends haven’t replied in a day or so.
He can’t bring himself to delete any of the pictures he’s taken, so he transfers them to his computer. He stops sending his friends everything, too.
Half an hour later his phone blings at him several times in a row.
Tony: whats sausage creature doing
Natasha: Everything okay? Haven’t gotten a picture in a bit.
Sam: dude what did you do, leave her on a park bench? pictures???
Clint: I need a new picture for my background
Bruce: HULK WANT PICTURES (Steve’s pretty sure Hulk didn’t send this, he hopes, Bruce has been getting better about joking really this is a joke right?)
Jane: Thor’s getting sad over here. Send help? Or pictures?
Tony: srsly sausage creature???/?? snapchat me smth is she napping is she pooping is she eating come on
He’s mid-reply when someone knocks on the apartment door. It’s Bucky, holding a really big knife, holy crap, and looking frantic. “What happened?” he asks, barging past Steve. “Where’s Gloria?”
"She’s fine," Steve says. "She’s napping. In her room. Which is a knife-free zone."
Bucky turns to him and glares, putting the knife—machete?—on the counter. “Where are my pictures?”
"Well—I stopped sending them. I thought you guys might be getting sick of them." He follows as Bucky turns and walks away, heading to the baby’s room. "I didn’t even think you knew how to look at messages." His phone is going off again.
Natasha: Steve? Starting to freak me out here?
He types out a quick reply and sends it, including one of his more recent pictures, to placate her, because if he doesn’t she might just rappel down into Gloria’s bedroom and he just doesn’t need that kind of paperwork.
Bucky is standing over Gloria’s crib, looking intently into it. Steve comes to stand next to him, and for a few seconds they both just look at the sleeping baby.
Finally, Bucky reaches down with his metal arm and traces one of her very blond eyebrows as softly as he can. “I can see them. I just haven’t figured out how to reply,” he mutters. “Don’t stop sending them. I like them.”
"Of course you do," Steve agrees. "You’re her godfather. It’s a requirement."
the united states of america is fucking horrific and repulsive and people have every right to shit talk it but leave fat people out of it and stop acting like having fat people makes the usa a bad place, when you could focus on idk literally everything else
I didn’t expect it to get here so soon. honestly, I didn’t expect it to get here before my birthday at all. but apparently they decided to overnight it or do two day shipping or whatever it is when Sundays are involved. I dunno, and I don’t care. I officially love them and their super fast free shipping.
my mom had to sign for it, though, which is kind of horrifying, but at least she doesn’t know what she signed for.
“I like cancelled plans. And empty bookstores. I like rainy days and thunderstorms. And quiet coffee shops. I like messy beds and over-worn pajamas. Most of all, I like the small joys that a simple life brings.”—Note to self (via twotonmantaray)
they said she’d try, they said to keep her on a lead outside, they said whenever she gets loose she always comes home after a few hours
she’s been good for me, though. I’ve always been cautious; grabbing her collar before opening the door, hooking her up right away, but when she gets her lead tangled up she’s been good about staying close or waiting for me by the door when I just unhook her instead of making her retrace her steps
when I’m already pretty much running on empty brain-wise
she bolted in the split moment before I was able to hook the lead on her collar
but I hadn’t fed them dinner yet, so hopefully she’ll get hungry and come home more quickly than usual
so the timer begins: Kearney ran at about 8:15, 8:20…when will she come back?
Bucky has a vine that consists entirely of short videos of Steve doing totally mundane things -putting on his socks, wiping down a counter, hunched over a drawing pad- while he sings Boss Ass Bitch quietly in the background.
Steve has absolutely no idea, either. He doesn’t realize Bucky is filming him, ever. He just assumes Bucky likes that insufferable song way too much, with how often he sings it.
Bucky enrolls in a college course about Captain America. It doesn’t go well.
Or, the one where James Barnes writes a ludicrously inappropriate academic paper in defense of Steve’s virtue. Complete with red-penning from a professor whose slow descent into madness is beautifully apparent and a formal letter of apology from Cap himself that doesn’t milk their sad poor orphan status at all, what are you talking about, Captain America would never do that.
I cried laughing. Guys, please. Love yourselves. Read Buck’s foray into academia. And have a few feelings too.
I read this at work and legit was trying to suppress laughter so bad that tears were in my eyes, which then leaked out and fucked up my eyeliner all over my eyelid
in short this furthered my progression into the winter soldier
go read the thing
#OH MY G OD#NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU ARGUE IT YOU ARE NOT A SUITABLE PRIMARY SOURCE#THIS ISNT ABOUT ME MR BARNES#WHY WOULD YOU HAND THIS IN#YOUR FRIENDS ARE NOT SOURCES#STOP MENTIONING YOURSELF#’he doesn’t understand what size his t-shirts should be’ oh my GOD#if that doesn’t sum up Steven Grant Rogers in one sentence idk what even does#oh Bucky baby#you are a treasure#lmao
No you guys you don’t understand at one point the red pen just says why would you hand this in?
“It’s okay, Early. I’m going with you. I don’t belong. Dangerous, like you. Can’t be controlled. Can’t be trusted. Everyone can just…go on without me and not have to worry. People could be what they wanted to be, be with the people they wanted. Live simple. No secrets. I’ll be fine. I’ll be your bounty, Jubal Early. And I’ll just fade away.”—River Tam and also me
I like: fantasy stories that present magic as kind of a boring fuddyduddy scholarly thing instead of being cool and dangerous. Like magic is cool and dangerous, if u actually DO magic, but many ppl who pursue magic forget to actually do magic very often cuz they’re so busy accumulating books and nitpicking citations and bickering with colleagues
New Republican ad came out today which gave me the best reaction image I’ve ever seen.
I want someone to spoof this video STAT. A good portion of my family is Republican, so obviously I know they are “people too,” but if you’re having this much trouble with your brand then you are doing something seriously wrong.
oh my god my comment was gonna be “I don’t hate republicans, my friend/neighbor/dad is republican!”
i have a lot of secret hermione headcanons like. she was insufferable at muggle school as well and generally not well liked. she was the girl whose parents were both dentists and she read too many books and tried to talk to people in her class about them but they generally thought she was trying to show off. so when she gets into hogwarts she throws herself into the new culture and reads as many books as her parents will pay for, including her text books and several history books and when her parents refuse to buy the unabridged history of magic and also some legends, she seriously considers hiding out in flourish and blotts so she can just read it in the bookstore. but she wears her robes around the house and sends about forty letters to hogwarts asking questions about the school year and the course load and how the grading scale works and if they’re very sure they’ve told her everything she’s going to need. and her parents are worried about her but they had been already? because she has such a hard time making friends. and they hope she’ll be able to make friends at hogwarts.
the first letter she sends them is full of descriptions of the castle and the sorting and background information on gryffindor and she mentions that she met neville and he’s very sweet, and the classes are so interesting, and she loves them very much! and the next few are also like that and kind of strained. and they suspect (correctly) that she again does not have friends.
a couple weeks into november, she sends them a letter full of complaints about ron’s study habits and how he’s teaching her wizard chess and how both he and harry are very brave but also not very good students. and she tells them about hagrid, who is eight and a half feet tall and the nicest person she has ever met.
they stop worrying as much until they get a letter at the end of term saying that hermione has broken about 20 school rules and also congratulations your daughter scored over 100% on almost every exam.